So awhile back or so (don’t remember how long, but not too long ago) Sweet Mother posted about a ”mind map” sort of thing.
I drew one up about a week ago or two, but just now I’m going to write on it.
1. (in red) I want to write! Just write- poetry, a story, maybe a three-part something. I have no ideas, though.
I want to write something with some meaning to it, not just stuff that’ll probably never continue, or any dialoge practice.
I might write some poetry later tonight, I dunno. But I do want to write something more than that.
I started writing something in which I wanted to explore bisexuality and stuff in- perhaps extreme my experience/thoughts on it/other random crap that’s happened to me?
I dunno. I might post the excerpt I’ve written for that later (though I don’t like it much, besides the mom-character I created). In the excerpt, it uses a character I haven’t used yet- Tamsyn Raymer. She’s slightly based off of (as cheesy as this sounds) a girl in one of my dreams (who is probably based off of a couple girls at school, hahah), with hair sort of like this below.
2. (in orange)
Life is strange, but that’s life.
3. (in yellow)
So, I decided (though it’s getting to be annoying how nothing’s changed yet ><) that I’m going to start exercising more, and maybe eating a little healthier. Now, I’m not really fat or chubby- I just have a little pudge on my stomach cuz I eat too much cheese crackers- but I’m not that strong, either. Two things then- get more exercise, and gain more strength.
4. (in green)
I’m thinking about volunteering at an animal shelter. I need to volunteer for stuff to get into the National Honor Society at my school, and that looks good on college applications. Really, I don’t care that much if I got in or not, but my mom was in it when she was my age, and she thinks it’s important.
It’s not that I don’t think it’s important- I know it is- but I’m just not sure where to volunteer. I don’t want to work at the hospital, or at a soup kitchen or homeless shelter, nor do I want to work in a nursing home or with old/disabled/homeless people. I know it’s important, but I’m kind of awkward at that sort of thing, and I want to do something that holds meaning for me.
Mom was watching Dogs in New York, and I started thinking about volunteering. I’ve mentioned the idea to her, and she thinks that’s great if that’s what I want to do.
I think I’m alright, if not pretty good, with animals, and even though I’ve never had a dog or cat of my own (just fish), I’ve been around and grew up around animals in my neighborhood and in my family.
I rather think dogs or cats seem to like me, too.
(Course, my friends think I’m going to be a crazy cat lady, something which annoys me because I’m not going to be. They’ve got the longest list of things-that-I-am-mostly-not, which mainly annoys, but slightly amuses me. It’s pretty much whatever, at the moment, and I’ll explain later on.)
5. Sweet Mother is pretty cool. Her posts are funny, and generally entertaining and interesting.
I also find it funny that my best friend started following her and told me “She’s really funny, you should follow her.”
“…I already do, lol *feels like a hipster*”
I’ve been thinking more and more often recently about telling my mom (coming out).
I want to tell her, but every day it keeps flipping from days where I’m so happy that she’s my awesome mom, to normal days, to days where I think that when I tell her she’ll be so dissapointed and I don’t want that.
I decided on telling her sometime between now and October. Before November, and before next summer- the summer I’ll be going to college.
I feel like that’d be harder on her, for me to be leaving and then to tell her, “oh by the way mom, I’m bisexual!”
Because then she’s going to worry and might just assume I’m a lesbian :/
Which I am not!
In a way though, it’s like, why do I worry? My family is not going to give a crap. Yeah, it’ll be awkward for them at first, and I’m certainly not going to tell my grandpa because I don’t want to have to explain it, and I’m not explaining that to my uncles or one of my aunt-uncle-cousins side of my mom’s family because they’re never around, and I’m not explaining it to my dad’s side of the family (at least until I date a chick and bring her home for the holidays) because I don’t see them that often anyways, but it’ll be fine.
(So, I guess I’d just tell my mom and assume she’d tell 2/3 of my aunts and then that’d be it until I date a girl. Because hell knows I hope mom just tells them, but actually…In a weird way, if I date a girl and bring her home, I won’t be able to keep a straight- HAH- face whether I tell them “This is my friend, ____.” or “This is my girlfriend, ______.”)
I suppose I say “until” because a) it’ll probably happen eventually and b) I want to. lol.
(I think, though I’m not sure, that’ll tell people as it either becomes too much of an overwhelming feeling not to or just wait until =P. But next year- if there’s a GSA at my school again- I want to join it, but I dunno much about it. Of course they won’t make someone out themselves, essentially, but I’m not sure if I would speak or not. Depends, I guess, when I tell my mom.)
Anyway, a couple days ago, my mom and I were talking to my Aunt Cindy, and my mom turned to me and said something. I don’t remember what we were talking about, but I remember she said “when you and your significant other”.
In some part, I bet you my mom knows, because moms (parents) know everything, to some extent. Especially with the questions about why I dress, act, talk, like the stuff I do. There was a time back in 7th grade where I remember telling her at the dinner table that I thought other people thought that I was gay. And she asked me if I was and I paused and said, to some extent, “No, mom, I’m not gay. At least I don’t think I am.”
And mom hummed, and then we probably talked about something else.
It hasn’t come up in conversation since, but I think I’ll (re)write her a note or letter or something.
The only problem is getting the guts (or growing bigger ovaries- there’s a Sister Mischief reference for you-) to give what I write to her, so she can read it.